Take no moment for granted 6:14 PM

This is a little more about myself then you probably want to know... but here it is. Sometimes you need to get things like this off your chest to go on living. I didn't realize it until I wrote this, but this has been haunting me since it happened. It probably always will.
Xo. Love the ones you have


Baggage.

It wasn’t my ideal place to have what could possibly be the last goodbye I ever told my father. The security line in an airport I had never been to, surrounded by nameless faces, with a cross country plane ride to an empty house lurking ahead of me, never makes for an intimate parting. Yet here I was, stuck in the middle of whirlwind, just trying to say goodbye to my daddy. He stayed with me for as long as he could. His exhausted eyes scanning my face for signs of panic, always worrying for me - though it wasn’t something I deserved. I was leaving him to go back to school. I had come as far as I could on the trip but now it was time to return home to an empty home, pack my stuff into my little black car, and make the journey alone. He had his own plane ride ahead of him; he and the rest of my family were flying the rest of the way to San Francisco. Once there my dad would be going under the knife for the second time in seven years. His brain tumors had come back. Brain tumors – two words that knocked the breath from my lungs the first time they slipped from my mom’s lips when I was in sixth grade. My head had spun. “He’ll be okay right?” I had begged more than asked. Even at twelve I knew that the way my mom let her eyes fall meant only uncertainty. But he had survived, barely, and with a scar the size of my outstretched palm on his head, but he was alive. I had my father again. Those same two words “brain tumors”, stole my breath away again soon after I started my freshman year of college. Imagine my surprise that long after I had let dust settle on that chapter of my life that on an early weekend home my dad would clear his throat, turn to me and choke… “They’re back.”


So now here we stood. He held my bag in his hand while I fumbled through my mind desperately searching for a word that would justify what was happening. I was leaving the man who named me, who loved me – undeniable flaws and all, and who had always forgiven me. I was then going to board a plane, shuffle like a zombie to a window seat and keep my eyes glued to the world below me the entire flight because somehow in that moment the lights of the towns miles below seemed safer than the fears that polluted my mind. It’s strange how the mind works in times of grief.

Right now though, my dad was standing next to me. Telling me someone would be waiting to get me from the airport. I just stared at him, nodding, empty. Would this be the last time I saw him? Would this be the memory I’d replay over and over again in my head? “I’m proud of you.” He smiled. We stayed trapped in that moment until he looked at his watch; it was time for him to go. All around me the world continued as usual. I wanted to scream “STOP! Please if only for a moment stop arguing about how late you are, stop tapping your shoe with impatience, just give me a moment to make this right." But what could ever make this right? And how could they know that this was the most important goodbye I had ever said? So with the couple behind me telling jokes about the bar they had been to the night before I gave my dad the hug that might have had to last me a lifetime. We said we loved each other, skillfully avoiding the real reason I had to swallow the lump in my throat between each word. “I’ll be okay” he whispered into the kiss he left on my cheek. And with one more hug my hero turned on his heal and walked away.





Discover music- Watching me try - Ashtray hearts



You Can't save the world xo 12:23 AM

Want to know why I hate her?

You don’t know this
But the day your dad died
I cried.
A pained cry
That I would repeat
Week after week
As I lay curled on cotton sheets
Phone pressed to ear
Cold gray smears of mascara
below tired eyes
begging my mom for some way
Any way
That I could make you just a little less broken.


Our eyes seemed to dance
Just out of reach
Never meeting for more than
A tongue-tied second.
I hardly knew you
But as we walked I whispered
My dad almost died this year… brain tumors
You nodded
But my words just bounced off cracked pavement
And tangled themselves in the tall grass.
I knew it wasn’t enough
But it was all I had.

So there we were
Thrown together in a moment
Two people
With fresh burns.
You needed a friend
I needed somewhere hide.
I’d like to think we both found
- If only for a flash -
What we were searching for.
Comfort
Or maybe just distraction.

             You don’t know this
but they day I realized I had fallen for you
I cried.
A pained cry
Because now she was back in your life
Slipping seamlessly into place
Offering me a mocking glance
because she knew
         Without trying
All the ways
To make you less broken.



Discover music- listen to Eye in the Sky - Jonatha Brooke

fairy tales end too . xo 7:31 PM

The music stopped slowly

like air slipping from a beach ball
until all that was left was the blue glow of
the TV in the night
Its soft hum replacing his voice
covering the room in plastic wrap
preserving it
but leaving it cold and lifeless.
We still danced
but on tip toes
sneaking past each other
in the shadows of our guilt,
craving the poems
and the melodies
but instead pressing our bodies
into corners
willing the walls to swallow us whole

"Yes, I will go. I would rather grieve over your absence than over you." 11:14 PM

This is my biggest fear and yet one of my greatest inspirations to write about. I fear being cheated on more than anything. xo


When words stopped being enough


You crept in after dark
leaving your shoes by the door
next to the box of runaway smiles
that you kept ready
on the off-chance
I wasn't the one

we hardly slept that night
the sheets still bunched 
at the foot of my bed
angry and unmade
I tossed and turned
But I felt your empty side
-with its pillow still creased
by your movements from the night before-
and I knew its judgment

I found you
In your leather chair
 illuminated by a blue glow
flipping channels
avoiding my eyes

Your phone hummed in your pocket
You silenced it
Poison bubbled in my stomach
suddenly
She was in the room with us
laughing at my failure
flashing perfect teeth
twisting the silver band off your finger

I heard my voice
a whisper in my throat
grow stronger as the words rolled down my tongue
and stronger still as they
Bounced off the portraits on the wall 
where we sat smiling and giggling forevers,
until the room was my soul
and my love fogged the windows 
and my arms couldn't reach you

the words wouldn't stop 
until you'd walked to the door
picked up your box of runaway smiles
and slipped on your shoes

DISCOVER LITERATURE 7:24 PM



There are few books that I've ever read that stand out in my mind like this short novel The Alchemist by Paulo Cohelho. In fact, my copy is now well worn in with corners folded to mark quotes that touched a place inside I had forgotten existed, and the names of my friends descending the inside of the front cover. After finishing the book it had been passes from friend to friend with only one requirement, to sign their names to the cover. Our lives are now all linked within the pages. Each of us moved deeply by Coelho's hauntingly beautiful words and ideas. It won't take long to read but the impression it leaves will drift with you as you move through the phases of your life. I have just one request if you take my advice and let this book help you to become a better version of yourself... pass it on.  xo


A few outstanding quotes from the book:
  • "When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."
  • "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of it's dreams, because ever second of the search is a second's encounter with eternity"
  • " To realize ones destiny is a person's only obligation"

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman 7:12 PM

I'd like to offer you a bit of advice. Write down your dreams. If you wake up from a dream in the middle of the night (good or bad) write it down! Keep a notebook by your bed so that you can jot down a few things about your dream so that you can remember it in the morning. Why? Your dreams can tell you more about how you're feeling about situations than you would like to admit to yourself. Need help understanding? Check out some suggested meanings at sites like this.Just try it... Sweet dreams xo.


A Key to A Silent World

A hollow world lies waiting
behind heavy eyelids
an empty shell waiting to be filled
with memories
and people without faces
floating like smoke
through the night air of your brain
familiar landscapes extending beyond the vast nothingness
lie dormant and unused
until the dream begins
a key to a silent world

Listen to this- Powerspace - Sleep everyone...

DISCOVER WISDOM 6:52 PM


This quote is one of my favorites. I find myself thinking about it from time to time. I didn't write it (I wish i was brilliant enough to come up with something so breathtaking) it's actually from the show Everwood. I hope you enjoy is as much as I do. Xo



The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or Maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
I Don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more i realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer Somehow. And if you are suffering, at lest the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.
So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... except maybe yourself a little.
When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where al of a sudden we're like this different person. I think It's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really close. Which, thank God, they never do.
But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... That you'll never have to change again.



 
Listen to this.
Augustana - Sweet and Low


If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. ~Author Unknown 6:43 PM

The Moment After



The moment after
when the curtain closes for the last time
the last bow has been taken
the last line has been sung
and there are only the echos of that claps that once filled the room
you look around at these people that have become your family
those you thought you couldn't spend another moment with
and you realize that you want
just one more performance
just one more encore
and you could sleep well
you look at their faces and find the same thoughts in their eyes
this thing that controlled you life
is gone
You are free and yet tied to it at the same time
the moment after
all that's left is the show-tune
that plays through your brain
its over
the curtains are closed



Listen to this- Limbeck- In ohio on some steps




Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth 1:02 AM

Write. It doesn't matter if you just jot strings of thought onto the back of a napkin, I can almost guarantee that you will discover something about yourself if you look over your work closely. You may just discover that you are more amazing than you ever thought you were. xo



Boxes of journals
Bindings torn
words dripping from between the pages
spilling out onto the floor

photographs retaining courageous smiles
while books lay waiting
lining closet shelves

a CD set to repeat 
pours inspiration through the speakers
ruffling the sheets of paper in my lap
coaxing my pen across the page
Disguising me as someone who has something to say



Discover music, Listen to- The Iry- December (part.2)

DISCOVER ART =] 12:13 AM







Kurt Halsey = An AMAZING artist who's work inspired many many of my poems.

Make a wish xo 11:50 PM


I promise that there is always someone out there who sees you for how beautiful you really are.xo

The Dandelion

A nothing
simple and yellow
regular
regarded as a weed
a nobody in a sea of familiarity.
Somehow
this burst of yellow
transforms
into a breath full
of wishes
picked instead of pulled
so careful not to lose a single strand
in fear that it could have been the one
that would have made his dreams 
come true.
The dandelion
no longer ignored
carries dreams up to God
in a breeze fit for a rose.



Listen to- Valencia- From the moment I wake up

If you cannot be a poet, be the poem. ~David Carradine 11:30 PM

There were many times in my life where I was a chameleon. I have always been an expert at knowing exactly what other people need and being it... especially for a boy. 9 times out of 10 it ended in tears and i was more confused about who i was than ever. So what's the lesson? Be yourself, always. I promise you will love yourself more in the end. xo

Act Natural


Act natural 
the words that guarantee 
that you'll be something you're not
together on a stage
you play the person they all want you to be


But a play
built on false feelings
false smiles
false beliefs
can only last so long


Sooner or later the natural will creep in
little by little
line by line
and tear apart your act


that's when the truth
covered loosely in with lines
is discovered


and it's the truth
that may leave you unaccompanied


A play, turned soliloquy





Listen to - Ingrid Michealson -  Breakable